Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You Might Also Like
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Möther may I have a snäck
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up