STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Sticker placement is key.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?