It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
So true for me
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Nothing to do, you say?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary