If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it