Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

(Electricians.)

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.