Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Shower sex be like:

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Blew out my flip flop…

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.