2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You Might Also Like
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT