My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.