my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
weaknesses
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”