My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
This kid is a star!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.