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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
We need more people like this.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Lassie, get help!
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking