She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.