I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?