Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.