Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.