me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance