WTF
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?