My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*