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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me if I was a dog
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
