Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Order here:
More here:
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.