Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
You Might Also Like
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises