I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.