Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius