Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
The Onion called it…again.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
#SCOTUS one-star review
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
2022 will be better than 2021
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.