Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

good morning

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.