Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

watching gymnastics

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.