Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day