Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
You Might Also Like
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
🤣😈🤣
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”