Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

based

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*