Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son