The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You Might Also Like
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
4yo: Do you want to come with us?
Me [driving]: Are you talking to your stuffie?
4yo [pointing at a cemetery we’re passing]: No, I’m talking to the dead people.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: