Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

omg leave her alone

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/