Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*