Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
you’re not fooling anyone
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
It’s the weekend y’all
