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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
she has a point
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”