Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?