Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*