Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

It will always be this

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?