Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.