Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU