“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
President The Rock Obama
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.