Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
NASA has no chill
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me