If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What