[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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#dnd #ttrpg
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
is frankincense just very honest incense?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
