Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Cats are still liquid.