Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
my sentiments exactly
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
how do y’all walk in shallow water
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
greetings!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer