Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

what’s in a name?

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.