I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit