Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My favorite farside!!

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.