I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
